Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Sandra Lee's Semi-Homemade Holiday
SLop begins by claiming she rented out a house in Whistler(?), Canada for
Christmas this year. Yeah, like we're sppsd to believe she dragged all her
Christmas and kitchen crap to Canada for this one-time special occasion. If
there were people carrying torches and pitchforks behind her, I could believe
I love how she tells us to look at how the salmon cream cheese in her bowl
looks while the bowl is facing AWAY from the camera, then totally covers it up
with dill clippings, creating for what all practical purposes looks like a
Sandra claims she loves Hanukkah and celebrating all its traditions, so she
glued together a bunch of store-bought meringues and painted them with blue
frosting, the "color of Hanukkah" and tells us she invited a "special guest"
to her Xmas party. Is it Hanukkah Harry, perhaps?
Poor kids. Forced to help crazy Aunt Sandy make a "sugarplum tree" with crappy
candy and unbent paper clips. It's like watching Saddam Insane with those kids
before the first Gulf War. Wow, seeing Brycer explains a LOT. I have to wonder
if he's a "special child", if you get my drift. Naturally, since the kids were
expecting sugarplums, she used cheap crappy candy... Did anyone else cringe
when she talked about using hooks and/or paperclips to attach the candy to her
While the kids played with the Gumdrop Shrike Tree, SLop returned to the
kitchen to make cookies. Did anyone else notice that in the shot right before
she mixed up the cookie dough in the KA, when she pours the vanilla in, the
two eggs were on one side of the bowl and the cream cheese was at the other
side, looking like a face? I was half-expecting it to croak out "kill me...."!
Wow, I'd have NEVER thought of putting the hanging holes in my cookies before
I baked them, but why did she put them so far from the edge? I also noticed
that she made a big deal about not making the cookies too brown but was going
to cover them up with icing anyway.
SLop claims that these cookies will "taste like they've been baking for
hours". I sure hope not, because they'd be lumps of charcoal, but then again,
this might be an improvement for her.
Did she say she dumped the ENTIRE bottle of red food coloring into that white
OMG! She burnt the prime rib! And no way in hell is that tiny thing going to
feed all those people.
As gifts for her guests, SLop took Chinese take-out containers, glued cut up
family photos to the sides, and filled them with what appears to be white
fudge coated Oreo cookies. What a cheap bitch!
In one of MANY very obvious voiceovers, there was a voiceover while she was
enthusiastically waving her hands around and pointing at things on the mantle.
Oh how I'd LOVE to know what she was really saying!
SLop makes a macaroon topiary tree decoration/display by wrapping a styrofoam
cone in aluminum foil (so food doesn't touch the styrofoam) and using a thick
sugar and water mixture as adhesive. Can you at least pronounce "macaroon"
correctly? And no, I don't like them, but thanks so much for asking! SLop
precedes to dribble the remaining goo over the whole thing in an attempt to
simulate snow. Snow should NOT look like it's dripping! SLop finishes by
carefully placing a red-hot on each macaroon, creating what appear to be
macaroon breasts. The hell?
Was I the only one creeped out by her trying to get her nephews to kiss her?
Hey, lookit the gumdrop shrike tree! The secret to her eggnog is chocolate
liqueur? I guess the kids go hungry AND thirsty tonight.
Why did she put that dough wreath soaked with all sorts of butter and oils
into the oven on an UPSIDE DOWN baking sheet? Isn't everything going to drip
down onto the bottom of the oven?
Just how much booze did she pour into that drink, anyway? She didn't specify
how much but practically turned the bottles upside-down and started to shake
them in an effort to empty them out after pouring ONE cup for the children. So
what do the other kids drink, or if, heaven forbid, the "lucky one" wants a
SLop initially had everyone loitering in the living room and then made a big
production at the end of having everyone come down the stairs to see all the
work she had done, but only after she spent the earlier part of it with them
making the "sugar plum" tree and the gumdrop shrike tree. When SLop sat down
with her "family", it was painfully awkward when she asked what they were
going to do during the week and no one answered her. They probably didn't
understand they were supposed to lie and go along with whatever she was
talking about. They also probably wondered what the hell she was talking
about, as it was just asbestos snow that was falling "outside".
SLop asks Colleen "Would you like another cocktail, honey?", followed by a
quick cut away so we don't see her giving SLop some stinkeye. Bwah! With a
cheery "Go ahead and start without me!", Sandra pretends to go outside to
"play in the snow", leaving her family to stare bewilderedly at a table devoid
of food. Snow. In the studio. Dunce. She rambles a bit "outside" until her
visibly embarrassed nieces and nephews ask her to come back "inside". I wonder
if that happens every Christmas at the Lee house?
Which reminds me -- the special Jew for whom she painted those store-bought
meringues never appeared!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating
the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not
sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of