Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee: Cabin Fever or Lumberjacks in Love
"Cabin fever" would be a better name for this ep, judging by the
overwhelming lumberjack colors I see, but what's the deal with the
hearts all over? It's like a lumberjack valentines day. SLop's got a
mullet and a flannel jacket. Not a good look. Why is her face so pink?
What happened to her eyebrows?
In an attempt to skip that confusing "Me washie handsies!"
monkey-business, SLop seasons the stew meat in the styrofoam container
in which it was packaged. For some odd reason, SLop uses SALT FREE
Mexican seasoning and then adds more chili seasoning, telling us that "I
love buying low-salt seasoning packets so I can add the salt on my
SLop regales us with this tall tale about how she and her family go
skiing in the hills of Whistle, Canada for vacation, where they cook
their own meals in a crock pot for after they finish skiing. SLop
proclaims there's "nothing better, except perhaps a hot cocktail time"!
*crickets* You still suck as a comedien, SLop. What is it with SLop
slurring her l's anyway? "Slllllow cooker". Gah. While SLop flounders
around because she can't find the lid for the crockpot, I realize that
she has failed to warn us about putting hot things in a cold slow
cooker. How fortunate for us that nothing bad happened!
SLop prepares some chopped butternut squash she got from the store by
drizzling it in oil, honey, and some lemon-pepper seasoning in a jar.
SLop correctly identifies the ingredients, lemon shavings and black
pepper. For some reason, I notice that the small piece of plastic on the
lid that prevents you from dumping the entire contents of the jar onto
whatever you are attempting to sprinkle the spice on is missing. SLop
puts the squash onto cookie sheet and declares it "buttersquash
heaven!". More like purgatory, if not Hell, to me.
As we bop out ot commercial, SLop announces that she'll be making cherry
chicken baguette burgers and blames it on a Fandra. Gah! I saw Thing
caressing a flannel blanket!
When we return from commercial, SLop is taking the squash out of the
oven and gives it a "quick flip" as she tries to convince us this is a
great menu for wintertime sports.
* Fandra recipe alert! *
SLop mulches a bag of frozen cherries and mixes it with a a pound of
ground chicken, claiming that "those cherries are going to be so sweet
in this chicken". Oooh, naughty! She then mulches some cherry peppers,
failing to warn us about their heat. SLop butters up her Fandras for
more lame recipe ideas to steal, saying "I can't think of everything, I
need your help!". SLop sprays a nonstick pan with Pam so the burgers
don't stick to it. Really? SLop then claims that Beth told her about her
family and how she makes food from her pantry. As SLop forms patties,
she conjectures that kids would like this (as if!) because Brycer, the
most beat up kid in the world, eats anything with cherries in it!
After she finishes forming the patties, SLOp does her "Me washie
handsies! routine and starts to work on the s'mores pie by melting
butter in the microwave. Her eyes light up when she mentions coffee
liquor as an ingredient, commenting "sounds delicious doesn't it?". SLop
adds some evaporated milk, informing us that it's so thick and rich
because 60% of the water has been removed. As she adds the final
ingredient, she coos that "a littler bit of coffee liquor smells
wonderful". SLop says that because she has trouble with getting the pie
to the oven without spilling half the filling (tipsy much?), SLop puts
the pie crust into oven, then pours filling into it, adding that the pie
will have marshmallow topping added later. Time for a commercial break!
We return from commercial to find SLop fetching the squash. She starts
to cook the burgers, accompanied by an awkward post-production voice
over instructing us to cook them five minutes on each side. SLop
announces that the Colorado Chili is ready. She fetches the crockpot and
removes the lid so we can see it, but the color of the chili is wrong.
It's light brown with grey pink chunks of meat swimming in a thin runny
liquid. Anyhow, back to the burgers. SLop mixes mayo and black cherry
preserves and slathers it onto bagettes (that she made herself?). The
"cherry mayo" looks like cherry frosting from a tub. She tops it with
lettuce and tomatoes and slices the baguette into equal lengths,
claiming "This is not only hearty but it goes with my theme!". Well, it
would had you used CHERRY tomatoes!
SLop removes the pie from the oven and places it on the open oven door,
no doubt because the lush will spill it all over the place otherwise.
The top is totally burnt! She grabs a bag of marshmallows and empties it
in a mound on top. She says they'll spread it in the oven and as a large
number of them fall off the pan, she mentions that you can put some foil
in oven in case it spills over. Gee, thanks. As we bop out to
commercial, SLop announces that "cocktail time!" is near!
When we return from commercial, SLop is at the table, clutching a large
bottle on top to keep from falling over, giddily announcing it's
cocktail time, but sadly, there is no accompanying pop-up graphic. SLop
starts frantically dumping contents of various bottles of booze into a
vase, decants some into a glass, and has a "little taste" while
clutching the glass tightly. She manages to remember her cozy sweet
tablescape and it's off to the races. SLop strokes a red flannel blanket
she used as tablecloth (again) and made small leather pouches of hot
chocolate mix adored with fake wooden buttons as gifts and then shows us
that the place cards are used popsicle sticks bent to look like skis
with toothpick ski poles with name labels taped to them. Ooooh sooo
cozy! As she pimps the website and waves good-bye, I notice that her
face looks paralyzed.
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!!
We assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating
the "food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not
sure where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of