"Welcome to my restaurant remakes where I visit all sorts of fabulous
and famous restaurants. I get their inside, secret 'russipes,' and then
I remake them the easy way for you," beams SLop -- decked out in a
black, glittery blouse with a matching manicure that even Morticia
Addams would be jealous of. As usual, she foreshadows today's menu and
featured restaurants knowing full well that her "remakes" will be less
than remarkable!

Rich and Dreamy Dishes:
Creamy Fondue with Poached Egg and Baguette
Crispy Chicken with Spicy Pear Cranberry Sauce
Cocktail Time: Grilled Gin and Tonic

At the top of the first segment, she remarks that Scott Conant's Grilled
Filone Duck Egg & Fonduta (at Italian bistro D.O.C.G) left her
"speechless" and in a "culinary trance." Whatever. During her visit,
she jokes that she doesn't have enough bread, says the dish is good
enough to be served "for brunch to the angels," SINGS a high note, then
laughs her ass of before heading back to her kitchen to make her
version: Creamy Fondue with Poached "Aig" and Baguette -- which is a
simple roux mixed with 1 pint "rich and delicious" heavy cream and equal
parts (4 ounces) muenster and cream cheese. While that has time to
"melt and meld together," she poaches 1 "aig" in a pot of
barely-simmering, vinegar-laced water until it's "a beeeautiful thing."
In the meantime, she slices a toasted, stale French baguette, butters
it, then begins assembling the dish by slinging the cream-laden fondue
into a bowl, with the poached "aig" sitting on top of the bread.
Moments before, she says, "Scott would be so proud of me!" To make it
look "fancy and professional," she scatters a bit of chopped chives over
the top, which incites an orgasmic, "Oh, yeeeah, lookit THAT! THAT'S a
beeeautiful thing!" Yeah, maybe if you have glaucoma! Sorry, Sandra,
your take is just a poached "aig" floated in a one-note cheese sauce
with a piece of toast!

Next, we're given a sermon on the fusion of Latin and Chinese cuisine so
she can segue into mentioning the Fried Quail with Dragon fruit served
at China Poblano, which inspired her Crispy Chicken with Spicy Pear
Cranberry Sauce. Once the restaurant montage is over, she says, "One of
my jobs is to break it down first," so she levels with us and says you
can't find quail at the "gross-ree" store, which is why -- for her
version, she opts for chicken. Her remake is dead on arrival the second
she "MARINADES" chicken drumettes and legs (seasoned with s+p) in CANNED
pear juice, red pepper flakes, and rosemary sprigs in the fridge for 1
hour. While that happens, she makes a useless dressing for some arugula
containing 1/8 C reserved canned pear juice, the juice from one lime, 1
T olive oil, and s+p. "And THAT is how quick a salad dressing can be,"
she enthuses before turning her attention back to the chicken -- making
sure to coat it in flour seasoned with cayenne and s+p before it's fried
in a vat of canola oil. Later, she makes the sauce by boiling the
chicken marinade and adding a tablespoon of butter to it before it's
poured into a blender with the reserved pears from earlier and 1/2 of a
15-ounce can of cranberry jelly. DISGUSTING! After being pureed, the
sauce is shamelessly poured onto a plate (and a "personal plate"),
followed by the chicken and trite arugala salad. She samples the ****
before going to commercial and goes, "Mmmm, Mmm, Mm!," but once again,
it's a lot of work for such a minimal result. My biggest pet peeve was
her re-use of the marinade. I don't care if the **** is boiled until it
reaches 500, because re-using a marinade as a base for a sauce is
DISGUSTING! As far as I'm concerned, she can super-glue a drumette to
the plate, pull her panties down, and sit and spin! P.S. Stop calling
chicken WINGS drumettes!

For Cocktail Time, DrunkLee ends the show by visiting Macondo eatery in
NYC where she samples a drink called Maiz & Aguardiente, which is made
by mixologist Amaury Robayo. Pay no attention to her all-white get up
(complete with a white orchid sticking out of her left ear). Like an
idiot, all she has to say after tasting it is, "When you give this to a
woman, how many women have proposed to you -- seriously?!" Of course,
he laughs, but doesn't give her an answer. She says, "A lot, hah? I
believe it!" She doesn't even describe the taste, but remembers to call
it "genius" before offering up her college-like Grilled Gin and Tonic
that features "roasted" lime juice, mint-infused simple syrup, 1/2 C
gin, muddled cucumber, and a few dashes of bitters. They make it
together, she shakes it up in a cocktail shaker, strains it, then pours
it into a glass. Amaury adds ice and she adds a "long cucumber" as a
stir stick, then adheres a "roasted lime wheel" to the rim of the glass.
Amaury uses words like "nice" and "very refreshing." She asks him if
it was good and he says, "Yes. It was great." Riiiiight. She grabs
the glass and takes a sip of the **** and goes, "Mmmmm! That tastes
like a spa and THIS tastes like a vacation!" She then says, "I don't
know which one is better, I like them both!" Of course. The episode
ends with Leech and Amaury sampling both cocktails with a few patrons,
but I'm just glad it's over.

As usual, nothing was impressive. The first dish was just cheese sauce
with a poached egg on top served with toast while the Spicy Pear
Cranberry Sauce on the second dish didn't even compare to the dragon
fruit sauce from China Poblano. The cocktail SHE made sounded drinkable
if served at an every day party, but if I were Amaury (a PROFESSIONAL
mixologist) I would be nothing less than horrified.

All in all, I'd say that the entire episode was poor and dreary instead
of rich and dreamy!

I have created the "Semi-Horrible Cooking" community for all of the
viewers who cannot stand Sandra Lee. Please join and post freely.