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Thread: A Chili Story (joke)

  1. #1
    Virginia Tadrzynski Guest

    Default A Chili Story (joke)

    Tell me the truth....some of you have MADE this chili, and the rest of you,
    if you haven't, you know someone who did.
    -ginny



    WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD. You
    > might need a tissue,,,,,,,,


    > I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
    > course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
    > had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
    > definitely going to **** yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff,
    > although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
    > written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
    > your butt cheeks WILL fall off.


    > Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
    > cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
    > No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way
    > through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual
    > morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and
    > lightning'.


    > Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
    > when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and
    > supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all
    > seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about
    > dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the
    > opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.


    > Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about..
    > I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always
    > seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
    > different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt.
    > In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
    > intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before
    > I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would
    > bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.


    > There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
    > enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been
    > recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
    > might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave
    > the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out
    > of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I
    > needed any help.


    > I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
    > reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to
    > dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
    > emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least
    > will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but
    > didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and
    > apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he
    > could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand
    > there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying
    > to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but
    > then made me laugh. BIG mistake!!!!!


    > Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
    > down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
    > issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
    > echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had
    > ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
    > shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming,
    > and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a
    > cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand
    > explosion took place.


    > Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
    > began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
    > because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked
    > in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock
    > and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-
    > bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


    > Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
    > filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store
    > employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
    > outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a
    > stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans
    > on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


    > My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
    > escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his
    > shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing
    > manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later
    > with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
    > and asked none too kindly not to return.


    > Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing
    > to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next
    > day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because
    > we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going
    > to have to repaint the store.
    >




  2. #2
    Chemo the Clown Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    On Mar 3, 2:14*pm, "Virginia Tadrzynski" <ta...@ptd.net> wrote:
    > Tell me the truth....some of you have MADE this chili, and the rest of you,
    > if you haven't, you know someone who did.
    > -ginny
    >
    > WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD. You
    >


    Old as the hills and twice as stinky.


  3. #3
    Dale P Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    "Virginia Tadrzynski" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news:4b8edd87$0$11420$[email protected]..
    > Tell me the truth....some of you have MADE this chili, and the rest of
    > you, if you haven't, you know someone who did.
    > -ginny
    >
    >
    >
    > WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD. You
    >> might need a tissue,,,,,,,,

    >
    >> I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
    >> course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
    >> had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
    >> definitely going to **** yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff,
    >> although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
    >> written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
    >> your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

    >
    >> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
    >> cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
    >> No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way
    >> through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual
    >> morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and
    >> lightning'.

    >
    >> Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
    >> when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and
    >> supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all
    >> seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about
    >> dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the
    >> opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

    >
    >> Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about..
    >> I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always
    >> seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
    >> different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt.
    >> In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
    >> intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before
    >> I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would
    >> bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

    >
    >> There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
    >> enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been
    >> recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
    >> might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave
    >> the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out
    >> of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I
    >> needed any help.

    >
    >> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
    >> reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to
    >> dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
    >> emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least
    >> will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but
    >> didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and
    >> apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he
    >> could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand
    >> there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying
    >> to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but
    >> then made me laugh. BIG mistake!!!!!

    >
    >> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
    >> down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
    >> issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
    >> echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had
    >> ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
    >> shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming,
    >> and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a
    >> cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand
    >> explosion took place.

    >
    >> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
    >> began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
    >> because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked
    >> in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock
    >> and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-
    >> bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

    >
    >> Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
    >> filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store
    >> employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
    >> outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a
    >> stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans
    >> on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    >
    >> My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
    >> escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his
    >> shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing
    >> manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later
    >> with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
    >> and asked none too kindly not to return.

    >
    >> Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing
    >> to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next
    >> day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because
    >> we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going
    >> to have to repaint the store.
    >>

    >
    >


    We tell a story about checking in for a flight from LaGuardia airport. We
    had gotten to the airport pretty early, and there was really no line to
    check in. The airline had one person at a regular counter and one person at
    the first class counter. Either way, there were people at both counters and
    we were in line behind one guy. No one else there yet as we were way EARLY
    (or did I mention that). There were problems at both counters. The
    regular counter had an airline employee doing the perpetual and on going
    tapping on the keyboard. What can they possibly be entering into the
    system?? The first class line had a complainer that was not going to be
    happy until he had ranted on for at least another 40 minutes. Really, is it
    going to change anything?! We happened to be first class, but at this time
    would take any line that would have us. Anyway, the guy in line with us
    laid something into the air. There was a strange purple haze in the air!!
    The smell was beyond description. The man was a young, thin, German looking
    (what is that?) fellow. My first concern was what in the world could he
    have eaten that would smell that BAD?! Why would someone eat something so
    rotten!! My next thought was that he would be on our flight and we would
    have that purple cloud inside the aircraft. Anyway, the air cleared, we
    survived and go checked into our flight. Sure enough, he boarded the same
    plane as us. I guess he had finally passed all of his stench, as we did not
    smell it on the flight, but when we saw him boarding, we were definitely
    scared.

    What could someone possibly consume that would turn so rancid??!!

    Dale P


  4. #4
    atec 77 Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    Dale P wrote:



    >>

    >
    > We tell a story about checking in for a flight from LaGuardia airport.
    > We had gotten to the airport pretty early, and there was really no line
    > to check in. The airline had one person at a regular counter and one
    > person at the first class counter. Either way, there were people at
    > both counters and we were in line behind one guy. No one else there yet
    > as we were way EARLY (or did I mention that). There were problems at
    > both counters. The regular counter had an airline employee doing the
    > perpetual and on going tapping on the keyboard. What can they possibly
    > be entering into the system?? The first class line had a complainer
    > that was not going to be happy until he had ranted on for at least
    > another 40 minutes. Really, is it going to change anything?! We
    > happened to be first class, but at this time would take any line that
    > would have us. Anyway, the guy in line with us laid something into the
    > air. There was a strange purple haze in the air!! The smell was beyond
    > description. The man was a young, thin, German looking (what is that?)
    > fellow. My first concern was what in the world could he have eaten that
    > would smell that BAD?! Why would someone eat something so rotten!! My
    > next thought was that he would be on our flight and we would have that
    > purple cloud inside the aircraft. Anyway, the air cleared, we survived
    > and go checked into our flight. Sure enough, he boarded the same plane
    > as us. I guess he had finally passed all of his stench, as we did not
    > smell it on the flight, but when we saw him boarding, we were definitely
    > scared.
    >
    > What could someone possibly consume that would turn so rancid??!!
    >
    > Dale P

    Tinned purple cabbage mebe ?

  5. #5
    Omelet Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    In article <hmnrn6$98a$[email protected]>,
    atec 77 <"atec 77 "@hotmail.com> wrote:

    > Dale P wrote:
    >
    >
    >
    > >>

    > >
    > > We tell a story about checking in for a flight from LaGuardia airport.
    > > We had gotten to the airport pretty early, and there was really no line
    > > to check in. The airline had one person at a regular counter and one
    > > person at the first class counter. Either way, there were people at
    > > both counters and we were in line behind one guy. No one else there yet
    > > as we were way EARLY (or did I mention that). There were problems at
    > > both counters. The regular counter had an airline employee doing the
    > > perpetual and on going tapping on the keyboard. What can they possibly
    > > be entering into the system?? The first class line had a complainer
    > > that was not going to be happy until he had ranted on for at least
    > > another 40 minutes. Really, is it going to change anything?! We
    > > happened to be first class, but at this time would take any line that
    > > would have us. Anyway, the guy in line with us laid something into the
    > > air. There was a strange purple haze in the air!! The smell was beyond
    > > description. The man was a young, thin, German looking (what is that?)
    > > fellow. My first concern was what in the world could he have eaten that
    > > would smell that BAD?! Why would someone eat something so rotten!! My
    > > next thought was that he would be on our flight and we would have that
    > > purple cloud inside the aircraft. Anyway, the air cleared, we survived
    > > and go checked into our flight. Sure enough, he boarded the same plane
    > > as us. I guess he had finally passed all of his stench, as we did not
    > > smell it on the flight, but when we saw him boarding, we were definitely
    > > scared.
    > >
    > > What could someone possibly consume that would turn so rancid??!!
    > >
    > > Dale P

    > Tinned purple cabbage mebe ?


    Or beer and hard boiled/deviled eggs. <g> My sister utterly forbade me
    to offer my brother in law a beer once when he'd been consuming lynn's
    deviled eggs at a party...
    --
    Peace! Om

    "Human nature seems to be to control other people until they put their foot down."
    --Steve Rothstein

    Web Albums: <http://picasaweb.google.com/OMPOmelet>
    [email protected]
    Subscribe: [email protected]

  6. #6
    atec 77 Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    Omelet wrote:
    > In article <hmnrn6$98a$[email protected]>,
    > atec 77 <"atec 77 "@hotmail.com> wrote:
    >
    >> Dale P wrote:
    >>
    >>
    >>

    >??!!
    >>>
    >>> Dale P

    >> Tinned purple cabbage mebe ?

    >
    > Or beer and hard boiled/deviled eggs. <g> My sister utterly forbade me
    > to offer my brother in law a beer once when he'd been consuming lynn's
    > deviled eggs at a party...

    I don't even needs beer or eggs hehehe

  7. #7
    Omelet Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    In article <hmo7la$beh$[email protected]>,
    atec 77 <"atec 77 "@hotmail.com> wrote:

    > Omelet wrote:
    > > In article <hmnrn6$98a$[email protected]>,
    > > atec 77 <"atec 77 "@hotmail.com> wrote:
    > >
    > >> Dale P wrote:
    > >>
    > >>
    > >>

    > >??!!
    > >>>
    > >>> Dale P
    > >> Tinned purple cabbage mebe ?

    > >
    > > Or beer and hard boiled/deviled eggs. <g> My sister utterly forbade me
    > > to offer my brother in law a beer once when he'd been consuming lynn's
    > > deviled eggs at a party...

    > I don't even needs beer or eggs hehehe


    Remind me never to go camping with you. <g>
    --
    Peace! Om

    "Human nature seems to be to control other people until they put their foot down."
    --Steve Rothstein

    Web Albums: <http://picasaweb.google.com/OMPOmelet>
    [email protected]
    Subscribe: [email protected]

  8. #8
    George Shirley Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    Omelet wrote:
    > In article <hmo7la$beh$[email protected]>,
    > atec 77 <"atec 77 "@hotmail.com> wrote:
    >
    >> Omelet wrote:
    >>> In article <hmnrn6$98a$[email protected]>,
    >>> atec 77 <"atec 77 "@hotmail.com> wrote:
    >>>
    >>>> Dale P wrote:
    >>>>
    >>>>
    >>>>
    >>> ??!!
    >>>>> Dale P
    >>>> Tinned purple cabbage mebe ?
    >>> Or beer and hard boiled/deviled eggs. <g> My sister utterly forbade me
    >>> to offer my brother in law a beer once when he'd been consuming lynn's
    >>> deviled eggs at a party...

    >> I don't even needs beer or eggs hehehe

    >
    > Remind me never to go camping with you. <g>


    AW! Go on Om, a scent like that would have the wolves running in to roll
    on him. Just put him in the other tent.

  9. #9
    Omelet Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    In article <[email protected]>,
    George Shirley <[email protected]> wrote:

    > Omelet wrote:
    > > In article <hmo7la$beh$[email protected]>,
    > > atec 77 <"atec 77 "@hotmail.com> wrote:
    > >
    > >> Omelet wrote:
    > >>> In article <hmnrn6$98a$[email protected]>,
    > >>> atec 77 <"atec 77 "@hotmail.com> wrote:
    > >>>
    > >>>> Dale P wrote:
    > >>>>
    > >>>>
    > >>>>
    > >>> ??!!
    > >>>>> Dale P
    > >>>> Tinned purple cabbage mebe ?
    > >>> Or beer and hard boiled/deviled eggs. <g> My sister utterly forbade me
    > >>> to offer my brother in law a beer once when he'd been consuming lynn's
    > >>> deviled eggs at a party...
    > >> I don't even needs beer or eggs hehehe

    > >
    > > Remind me never to go camping with you. <g>

    >
    > AW! Go on Om, a scent like that would have the wolves running in to roll
    > on him. Just put him in the other tent.


    Yep! And don't share a bed roll...
    --
    Peace! Om

    "Human nature seems to be to control other people until they put their foot down."
    --Steve Rothstein

    Web Albums: <http://picasaweb.google.com/OMPOmelet>
    [email protected]
    Subscribe: [email protected]

  10. #10
    Virginia Tadrzynski Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)


    "Omelet" <[email protected]> wrote in message
    news[email protected]..
    > In article <hmo7la$beh$[email protected]>,
    > atec 77 <"atec 77 "@hotmail.com> wrote:
    >
    >> Omelet wrote:
    >> > In article <hmnrn6$98a$[email protected]>,
    >> > atec 77 <"atec 77 "@hotmail.com> wrote:
    >> >
    >> >> Dale P wrote:
    >> >>
    >> >>
    >> >>
    >> >??!!
    >> >>>
    >> >>> Dale P
    >> >> Tinned purple cabbage mebe ?
    >> >
    >> > Or beer and hard boiled/deviled eggs. <g> My sister utterly forbade me
    >> > to offer my brother in law a beer once when he'd been consuming lynn's
    >> > deviled eggs at a party...

    >> I don't even needs beer or eggs hehehe

    >
    > Remind me never to go camping with you. <g>
    > --
    > Peace! Om
    >
    > "Human nature seems to be to control other people until they put their
    > foot down."
    > --Steve Rothstein
    >
    > Web Albums: <http://picasaweb.google.com/OMPOmelet>
    > [email protected]
    > Subscribe: [email protected]


    He'd at least be good to 'fan the flames' of the campfire until it takes.
    -ginny
    (don't ask how I know this......ahem, something to do with a boy scout and
    second and third degree burns on his backside - not MY boy scout, but one of
    his friends.....always good as a reference point when my said boy scout
    started to do something REALLY REALLY stupid, all you had to say was
    'Remember Georgie'.)



  11. #11
    Becca Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    Virginia Tadrzynski wrote:
    > He'd at least be good to 'fan the flames' of the campfire until it takes.
    > -ginny
    > (don't ask how I know this......ahem, something to do with a boy scout and
    > second and third degree burns on his backside - not MY boy scout, but one of
    > his friends.....always good as a reference point when my said boy scout
    > started to do something REALLY REALLY stupid, all you had to say was
    > 'Remember Georgie'.)


    My mother loved decorative glass. She bought a 3' tall glass urn in
    France, and my brother and his friends would take the lid off the urn,
    fart in it, then replace the lid. If mom only knew. =-O


    Becca

  12. #12
    l, not -l Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)


    On 3-Mar-2010, "Dale P" <[email protected]> wrote:

    > What could someone possibly consume that would turn so rancid??!!


    Kimchi, Korean in origin, not German, can do the trick.
    --
    Change Cujo to Juno in email address.

  13. #13
    Andy Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    Mexican Weather Report:

    Chili today, hot tamale.

  14. #14
    Becca Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    Dale P wrote:
    >
    > What could someone possibly consume that would turn so rancid??!!


    A smell that foul could be caused by a bacteria infection.


    Becca

  15. #15
    Becca Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    Andy wrote:
    > Mexican Weather Report:
    >
    > Chili today, hot tamale.
    >


    Thanks for the laugh, Andy. lol


    Becca

    ObFood:

    Chili

    3 lbs beef, cubed and/or ground
    1 tablespoon olive oil
    1 tablespoon ground cumin
    4-8 tablespoon chili powder
    1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper
    1 tablespoon salt
    1 onion, chopped
    4 garlic cloves, crushed
    1 12-ounce can tomato paste
    1 15-ounce can crushed tomatoes or tomato sauce
    4 cups beef or chicken stock
    1-2 packets Sazon Goya (optional)
    2 tablespoon vinegar
    2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
    4 bay leaves
    cayenne pepper (optional)


    Add olive oil to a large pot over medium high heat. Add ground beef and
    the next 6 ingredients. Stir while cooking until meat is no longer pink.
    Add the tomato paste, tomato sauce, beef stock, Sazon Goya, vinegar,
    Worcestershire sauce and bay leaves. Bring to a boil then reduce heat
    and simmer, uncovered, 1 1/2 to 2 hours. Stir, occasionally to prevent
    sticking. Add cayenne to taste.


    Becca

  16. #16
    Andy Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    Becca <[email protected]> wrote:

    > Andy wrote:
    >> Mexican Weather Report:
    >>
    >> Chili today, hot tamale.
    >>

    >
    > Thanks for the laugh, Andy. lol



    Welcome!

  17. #17
    Omelet Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    In article <4b8fbc2c$0$24943$[email protected]>,
    "Virginia Tadrzynski" <[email protected]> wrote:

    > >> > In article <hmnrn6$98a$[email protected]>,
    > >> > atec 77 <"atec 77 "@hotmail.com> wrote:
    > >> >
    > >> I don't even needs beer or eggs hehehe

    > >
    > > Remind me never to go camping with you. <g>
    > > --
    > > Peace! Om

    >
    > He'd at least be good to 'fan the flames' of the campfire until it takes.
    > -ginny


    <chuckles> Lots of good humor on the list today. :-)
    --
    Peace! Om

    "Human nature seems to be to control other people until they put their foot down."
    --Steve Rothstein

    Web Albums: <http://picasaweb.google.com/OMPOmelet>
    [email protected]
    Subscribe: [email protected]

  18. #18
    ImStillMags Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    On Mar 3, 2:14*pm, "Virginia Tadrzynski" <ta...@ptd.net> wrote:
    > Tell me the truth....some of you have MADE this chili, and the rest of you,
    > if you haven't, you know someone who did.
    > -ginny
    >
    > WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD. You
    >
    >
    >
    > > might need a tissue,,,,,,,,
    > > I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
    > > course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
    > > had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
    > > definitely going to **** yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff,
    > > although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a
    > > written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of
    > > your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
    > > Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two
    > > cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.
    > > No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way
    > > through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual
    > > morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and
    > > lightning'.
    > > Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just
    > > when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and
    > > supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all
    > > seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about
    > > dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the
    > > opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.
    > > Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about..
    > > I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always
    > > seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
    > > different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt.
    > > In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
    > > intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before
    > > I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would
    > > bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.
    > > There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly
    > > enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been
    > > recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor
    > > might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave
    > > the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out
    > > of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I
    > > needed any help.
    > > I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his
    > > reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to
    > > dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions
    > > emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least
    > > will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but
    > > didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and
    > > apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he
    > > could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand
    > > there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying
    > > to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but
    > > then made me laugh. BIG mistake!!!!!
    > > Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
    > > down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
    > > issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and
    > > echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had
    > > ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a
    > > shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming,
    > > and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a
    > > cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand
    > > explosion took place.
    > > Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
    > > began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat
    > > because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked
    > > in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock
    > > and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-
    > > bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
    > > Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially
    > > filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store
    > > employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step
    > > outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a
    > > stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans
    > > on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
    > > My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to
    > > escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his
    > > shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing
    > > manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later
    > > with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
    > > and asked none too kindly not to return.
    > > Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing
    > > to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next
    > > day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because
    > > we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going
    > > to have to repaint the store.- Hide quoted text -

    >
    > - Show quoted text -




    I love really rank jokes like that. Here's one that's been around a
    long time that I still laugh at.


    "Texas Chili Cook Off


    INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE


    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
    Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as
    a
    judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
    last
    moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
    directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

    I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
    wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
    free
    beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    __________________________________________________ _______

    CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
    paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
    hope
    that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    __________________________________________________ _______

    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
    wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
    saw the look on my face.
    __________________________________________________ ________

    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
    I
    have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me
    more
    beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
    is
    in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the
    beer.
    __________________________________________________ __________

    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
    was
    standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting
    to
    look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
    aphrodisiac?

    __________________________________________________ _____

    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very Impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
    admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
    chili
    had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
    pouring
    beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
    off?
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
    screaming.
    Screw those rednecks!
    __________________________________________________ ______

    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
    spice
    and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
    garlic.
    Superb.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
    eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
    that
    slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
    __________________________________________________ _

    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
    cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
    wouldn't
    feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
    like
    it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
    slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to
    match my
    damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
    I've
    decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
    any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-
    inch
    hole in my stomach.
    __________________________________________________ __

    CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
    not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
    nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
    out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
    sure
    if he's going to make it. Poor Yankee, wonder how he'd have reacted to
    a
    really hot chili?"

  19. #19
    Mike Van Pelt Guest

    Default Re: A Chili Story (joke)

    In article <[email protected]>,
    ImStillMags <[email protected]> wrote:
    >I love really rank jokes like that. Here's one that's been around a
    >long time that I still laugh at.
    >
    >"Texas Chili Cook Off
    >
    >INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE


    The original of that one is funnier, before someone decided to
    lard it up with expletives. (A quick google should find it;
    it was originally a newspaper article.)

    --
    Mike Van Pelt "If they're going to talk about
    mvp.at.calweb.com Camelot, then we get to talk about
    KE6BVH The Lady in the Lake." - ?

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